Learning to live

   I turned 50 in December of 2021 and although everyone said that 50 is awesome...  

I just wasn't feeling it.  

Fifty. 

I hated it.

My dad passed when he was 45 and my mom passed when she was 52, can you see why I wasn't excited about crossing that 50's threshold. 

As I put this blog post together, I am 51.2 years old.  I was in my early 30's when I created my very first blog.  The good ole days.   Looking back, I like to think that they were my prime years but realistically they were just as stressful as life is today.  It was just a different kind of stress.   I look back and remember that version of myself.  I was a good mom and I absolutely loved being mom to my two awesome girls.   I kept a part time job while my girls were in school (those tuition bills were killer) and l loved working at the local craft stores.  I was cute and fit and although I would take a beat down from the ex-family, I was confident in the person that I was.  I loved hard and I worked hard.  And... I should add, those were also my most creative years.   

So, I wasted my 50th year.  We were coming out of quarantine and covid restrictions and I just keep it going.  Something mentally happened and I was afraid to live.  Wait.  Let me word that differently, I was afraid to die.  I didn't even take my paddleboard out last summer.   I started sneaking cigarettes again to help me deal with the stress of worrying about dying.  Hah.  Smart choice.    I lost 3 girlfriends last year which didn't help my fears.  I was, as my kids would say, Shook.   In October, my favorite month of the year I got another blow as two people very dear to me were diagnosed with Cancer.  And it wasn't good.   To be honest, my heart was broken.  I cried and prayed and cried and prayed.   I'm still praying for my friends and I'm still here cheering on their fights, and it is through their battles that I have learned to live my life.  

I'd like to think that December 16, 2022, was the first day of the rest of my life.  A time to reset.  Yes, that was my 51 birthday and it felt so good to wave goodbye to the year before.   I'm learning to appreciate this stage of life.   Haha.  Not really, but I'm learning to cope with it.   I've left the house more in the past 2 months than I did all of last year.  Seriously, between Covid and me becoming a hermit, the mileage on my Jeep is super low.   One of my favorite habits that I've been building is meeting my daughter a few times a week for long hikes in the woods.  I walked over 100 miles in January and I'm aiming for another 100 miles this month.   I can honestly say that I love being outside in the winter.   And I really love that time we spend out there complaining and laughing about life.

A recent test of my heart has helped revive my love of hiking and getting back to things that I loved (but was afraid to do), I am looking forward to the day when I can load up the dog and the paddleboard and head out on the open waters again.  Soon.   

Meanwhile, I want to I need to do something creative.  

Like make a blog post.  

I thought about creating a whole new blog...  just for me, because does anyone even blog anymore?

But I couldn't remember how to set it up.  hah.  I'm lucky I remember how to post.  

I tried the YouTube thing.  Which was fun but I burned out quickly and I  haven't made or posted any videos since 2022.  I'll get back to it sometime.  

So, while I'm here...  Hello.   

This is me, Leslie.   Learning to live life at the ripe young age of 51.

I might be back.  xo